18 Aug How to Stop Being Confused About a Relationship Problem

Relationships are tricky, and it’s sometimes hard to know how to stop being confused about a relationship problem. When things get tough it’s normal to be flooded by overwhelming conflicting emotions, questions, and doubts.

Photo by CollegeDegrees360

If you’re confused about a relationship issue and ready for clarity, grab a piece of paper and follow these 4 steps, which will help you start sorting through the mess:

1 Write down your thoughts about the issue

This includes your own opinions, values, beliefs, and attitudes, as well as any relevant facts. It might also include the “where”, “how”, “when” of whatever happened:

“I saw the pictures of you on facebook dancing with that girl…

When I asked you about it I noticed that you changed the subject…

Honesty is very important to me in a relationship”…

2 Write down your feelings about the issue

This includes the emotional response you had during the incident, as well as the emotions you are feeling now:

“When I saw those photos I felt sick in my stomach…

When you changed the subject I felt disregarded and hurt…

I feel worried and scared that trust between us has been damaged…”

3 Write down what you want

This is what you would like, and perhaps not like, for your partner, for yourself, and/or for the relationship as a whole. This is your wish list. Listen to your heart and don’t hold back:

“I want you to enjoy going out with your friends without me sometimes…

I want us to be able to talk about things when one of us is upset…

I want us to be really strong together and have a trusting relationship…”

4 Write down what you need

Where do you need things to go from here? What’s your “call to action”? What requests and suggestions would you like to propose to your partner? This section is about brainstorming a more positive way forward:

“I need to hear more from you about what actually happened…

I need to tell you more so that you understand what this was like for me…

I need us to have a clear plan about what’s OK and what’s not OK when we are with other people…”

By the way, if you get stuck at any of the steps because you don’t know what you think/feel/want/or need, don’t stress. How easy this exercise is will depend on the problem you are facing, and the complexity of your responses to it. Come back to it later once new awareness arises. Sometimes it can take a week or more just going through this process, other times, just 10 minutes may be enough to achieve increased insight and clarity.

Pamela Pannifex is the founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. She is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, and naturopath who has been helping people find solutions to personal and relationship problems for over 20 years. Contact Pamela here.

Tags:

conflict, relationship advice, relationship conflict

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Pamela is a psychotherapist and naturopath specialising in relationship counselling for couples, individuals, co-parents, and families. Pamela empowers people with the skills they need to create great personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive.

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18 Aug How to Stop Being Confused About a Relationship Problem

1 Write down your thoughts about the issue