15 Sep 3 Questions To Ask Yourself When You Feel Disconnected From Your Partner
All relationships go through periods where both partners feel really close and connected with each other, and periods where for whatever reason, partners feel somewhat disconnected. Feeling disconnected at times is normal, even in healthy relationships.
If you’re in a healthy relationship you’ll probably know that sometimes a thoughtful gesture, an unexpected present, or nice dinner out may be all you both need to reconnect and get your relationship back on solid ground.
What’s not healthy is when normal temporary periods of disconnection become prolonged periods of relationship neglect.
You’ll know this has happened if your relationship feels like it’s on “auto-pilot”. You’ll be communicating about household and family matters but really not much else, and a nice little trinket or fancy dinner out won’t be enough to reignite any real sense of relationship passion and reconnection.
Feeling like your relationship is on “auto pilot” is dangerous territory for relationships because love can’t last when disconnection becomes the norm. This is the time for working on regaining connection, and the best way to start is to strive for increased awareness within your self. The following 3 questions are designed to help you start:
1 When I look at the history of our relationship, are there patterns to our periods of connection and disconnection?
Have a think about the times when you’ve been most connected. Then think about the times you’ve been most disconnected. Maybe there have been circumstances like work, illness, a new baby, or other people who have come between you. Get perspective on the life events and variables that have influenced the way you both connect (or not) in your relationship so far.
2 What role do I play in the ways we either connect or disconnect?
Have a think about what sort of partner you are during the times that your relationship feels connected and healthy, and the times when it’s not. Try to see yourself from your partner’s point of view. Consider whether your partner might experience you as distant, disconnected, or as pushing him/her away at times, even if you don’t do so consciously.
3 What can I do right now that may help us reconnect?
Think about the ways you are personally contributing towards your relationship, and make sure you are really aware of things that might be holding you back. If you aren’t in great personal health, get healthier. If you are confused, troubled, resentful, or angry, think about what you need to do to gain clarity. Call a “truce” on conflicts that keep recycling. Think about what you could do right now that would help your partner feel most loved by you.
Life provides plenty of reasons for partners to disconnect if they allow it. Reconnecting takes work.
Great relationships happen when couples never stop working on staying connected.
Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, and naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. For over 20 years she has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive. Contact Pamela here.