24 Jan Relationship Tips From a Marriage Therapist

I’m looking forward to working with a lot of couples this year. Some will be looking to make their already pretty good relationships even better. But many will be looking to rescue their pretty bad relationships and turn relationship unhappiness and discontent around. At any rate, they all will benefit from some relationship tips.

So, what can you do to build a successful relationship?

And how can you avoid even getting to the place where seeing a marriage therapist starts sounding like a necessary idea?

Businesswoman whispering something to her colleague in an office

Truly happy and successful relationships happen when partners stop making basic relationship errors, and start relating in healthy ways.

These relationship tips will get you started:

1. Stop whinging and nagging

Kids whinge and nag. Adults (the ones in healthy relationships that is), don’t.

If you have something to complain about, be grown up about it. Learn how to communicate in a way that strengthens your relationship, rather than kills it. This starts with speaking (and behaving) like an adult.

2. Stop sulking and withdrawing

Kids sulk and withdraw. See #1

3. Stop diagnosing each other

Being an expert on your partner’s faults is easy. Being an expert on your own faults is much more challenging, yet is crucial for a relationship that truly thrives.

Look inwards. Take responsibility for understanding how your own behaviour impacts your relationship. After all, unlike the behaviour of your partner, this is what you can easily change.

4. Stop triangling

Confiding in others about your relationship problems is fine, but using them to strengthen your position (“Well, Martha agrees with me that you’re a selfish idiot!”) isn’t.

There are two people in your relationship. Keep it that way.

5. Stop hoarding toxic waste

Relationships don’t work when partners hold each other ransom with checklists of past misdemeanours.

We all make mistakes. Know how to apologise when you’ve stuffed up and how to accept your partner’s apologies with grace. Forgive, and forget.

6. Stop telling lies

Couples who grow apart are often the ones who stop talking to each other in honest ways. Lies create disconnect. And the first casualty of disconnect is passion. If you’re thinking you can’t possibly tell you partner something, often this is the first indicator that you’re drifting apart. It’s very hard to have intimacy without honesty.

Learn how to communicate in ways that are both honest and kind. Honesty is not negotiable.

7. Stop neglecting your relationship

If you love something, you give it your time. Make time to share time together. Turn off your mobile devices. Say “no” sometimes, to family and friends.

Use these relationship tips and place your relationship above everything else, always.

Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. For over 20 years she has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive. Contact Pamela here.

Tags:

couples counselling, marriage counselling, relationship advice

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Pamela is a psychotherapist and naturopath specialising in relationship counselling for couples, individuals, co-parents, and families. Pamela empowers people with the skills they need to create great personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive.

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"After just six sessions we both can't believe how much our marriage has changed. We've let go of resentments that we've carried for years, found solutions to parenting challenges, and re-ignited the feelings that got us together in the first place. Wish we'd found you years ago. Thank you so much for your professionalism, humour, and smart ideas".
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Joel, Noosa Heads
“8 months ago we were on the brink of giving up. Now our relationship is happier than it has ever been over the whole 15 years. Thank you for providing such a safe place, and for being “you”. We could not have done it without you.”
Sally and Brad, Marcus Beach
“Pamela grasped the complexity of our relationship problems so quickly, and helped us understand how we were interacting and how to change things for the better. If you have complex issues to deal with, Pamela has the experience and skills to help you”.
Kate, Maroochydore
“I have found working with Pamela invaluable, she has taught me how to understand myself and my thoughts and how to deal with them. I enjoyed the process of learning thought techniques and how to change my thought patterns going forward. I would highly recommend Pamela to anyone who feels they need direction and support. Pamela is friendly, understanding and non-judging”.
Levi, Buderim
"You've helped us make sense of a relationship that's been so confusing. We now know that we are capable of so much more. With our new skills our relationship is so much more stress-free, and we both feel optimistic about our future together".
Angela and Marty, Maroochydore
“Through my work with Pamela I have regained not only health but a happiness and purpose in life and an ability to cope with change that I previously didn’t have. The person I am today can only be attributed to Pamela’s hard work and professionalism”.
Lee, Alexandra Headland
"I was referred to Pamela for marriage counselling and from the very first meeting I knew I was safe in her expert hands. She clearly has a strong passion for what she does and had the ability to teach me skills that identified with my specific needs. She approached every meeting with a level of genuine yet professional empathy and warmth. Had I not met Pamela, my life would likely still be full of miscommunication and unhappiness, but with her help I have a much brighter, happier life to look forward to. I often joked with my friends that if every person had a Pamela in their lives, the world would be a much happier place"
Annabelle, Alexandra Headland
"From the very first session I really liked your approach with us, because you were not biased and also you were so clear and direct" Craig, Maroochydore
"I have picked up quite a few tools to different situations in my relationship and am happy to say I am a better man after applying these tools to my everyday life." Steve "We now have tools to understand our differences and work towards a healthy relationship" Megan
Steve and Megan, Buddina
"Seeing Pamela was a hugely beneficial experience thanks to her warm nature, vast life knowledge, compassion and subtle toughness! We worked through a number of issues ranging back from my early childhood right through until the present day and found common links between each, enabling me to develop a greater understanding of myself and how to make important life decisions. My relationship is the best it’s been, my career is accelerating and I feel as balanced and comfortable as I ever have. I would highly recommend anyone going through any difficulties in life, however big or small they may be, to spend time with Pamela and find happiness through her brilliant work".
Cody, Noosa Heads
“Pamela’s practical and empathic approach to our marriage counselling sessions have given hope to a situation that we thought was hopeless! We are so grateful that we found her!”
Jill and Evan, Noosa Heads
"Pamela provided us with a secure, safe place to openly unpack the issues we were facing. The Couples Toolkit taught us strategies to keep strengthening our bond and marriage. Pamela was professional and tailored our sessions to us. We highly recommend Pamela for any couples wanting to strengthen their relationship."
George & Lee, Sunrise Beach
"What really helped us feel at ease was Pamela's warmth and professionalism. My husband knew we needed help but was so nervous about seeing a therapist. I knew he would be at ease here."
Felicity, Buderim
“After completing Pamela's Couples Toolkit, everything has changed. We now know how to really listen, so we both feel confident discussing any issue (rather than avoid it as we would so often do before). We don't get stuck when things go off track - we now know how to repair quickly. No more cycles of fighting followed by silence - it's such a massive relief. Thanks so much Pamela”
Ruby and Matt, Sunshine Coast
"I came because my partner was so emotionally withdrawn from me, but I hadn’t realised that my own behaviour was part of the cycle of pushing her away. Thank you Pamela, for opening our eyes to our own unhappy “dance”, and for giving us the skills to change".
Jan and Steven, Eumundi
"Before working with you, I thought the best way to deal with conflict was to keep quiet. Now I realise that my silence only made her more angry. She got angry... I went silent... she got angrier... and around we went. We were stuck in a loop that almost cost us our marriage. Thank you for teaching us how to deal with our differences and solve our problems safely - we're now closer than we've been for years."
Nick, Doonan
"We’d be considered as an ‘older’ couple. We have both previously been married and have several adult children and grandchildren between us. Our relationship was suffering under the pressure of a large blended family and busy lifestyle. Pamela has given us the skills to discuss and deal with issues that have been recurring and stressful for us. She is very approachable and professional. Her sense of humour helped us both feel comfortable - even when she challenged us to confront our own unhelpful behaviours. It’s early days, but already our relationship has improved immensely and we know it will continue to do so. We only wish we’d found her years ago!"
Chris and Dale, Maroochydore
“When we first came here I wasn’t sure I could forgive him and I wasn’t coping. With your guidance I have come so far. We are now happy again and enjoying life together. Thank you Pamela, you’ve been a real godsend” Linda “Thank you for helping us through a difficult time. I didn’t know how to support her and you helped me understand what I needed to do so she could move forward”. Dan
Linda and Dan, Sippy Downs
"The sessions I’ve had here have been completely life changing. I can’t believe I've changed so much in such a short time. I'm now free of self-destructive patterns that I've had for years. I'm ready for a new relationship and confident that I've learned from the mistakes I've made before. The future looks bright! Thank you".
Ben, Sunshine Coast
“Through Pamela's intuition and sensitivity, I have gained insight into my emotional health and been taught skills for life. I now understand how to help myself correct my thinking. Pamela has both helped me to take my emotional health very seriously and also reminded me to laugh at myself.”
Cara, Eumundi
"I found Pamela to be a strong, independent, assertive woman, who inspired me and gave me a clear direction so I could regain my confidence and become the person I inspire to be. Pamela also assisted our youngest daughter and greatly influenced her health and wellbeing. We thank you tremendously for your professional, kind approach, and highly recommend your services to anyone/family/relationship, which has fallen to destructive behaviours”.
Belinda, Yaroomba
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Wendy and Rog, Caloundra
“I came here because my girlfriend wanted to. I didn’t think it would be beneficial at all but I was wrong. It opened up so many doors and shed a lot of light” John. “Without completing the Couples Toolkit our relationship would not be as strong or connected as what it is now. Was truly beneficial in every way” Kate.
John and Kate, Noosa Heads

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