07 Mar Don’t Kick Your Relationship When It’s Down
Do you honour your relationship and keep it safe, even when you’re arguing?
Or do you argue in a way that threatens your relationship security? That kicks it when it’s down?
If you kick it when it’s down, your relationship probably feels secure during the good times, only to suddenly feel at risk of complete collapse whenever things get tough.
Knowing how to argue in a way that doesn’t threaten your underlying relationship stability is a really important skill: one that you both need if you want a relationship that doesn’t crumble whenever one of you gets mad or things get tough.
I worked with a client recently whose “all or nothing” polarised thinking meant that he kicked his relationship in the guts every time things got tough. and he very nearly ruined his marriage in doing so.
Dave* has been married for almost a decade. Together with his wife Jill*, he shares three healthy kids, two rewarding careers, a lovely home… and a very difficult relationship.
In fact, Dave and Jill’s relationship is so tricky that they’ve been on the brink of divorce three times.
Dave has achieved great success in his career. His ability to think in “all or nothing” ways has been a real asset in an industry where being wishy washy or undecided just doesn’t work.
What is “all or nothing” polarised thinking?
It’s just as it sounds. It’s thinking that ignores the middle ground. When we think this way we automatically jump to either extreme of a continuum. Things are good… or totally bad, right… or wrong, a total success… or an absolute failure. There’s no grey zone between the two extremes.
It might have helped in his career, but in his marriage, Dave’s “all or nothing” thinking was not serving him well at all, because whenever things got tough, Dave wasn’t capable of thinking:
“Wow, this sucks. I wonder what we can do better to help us avoid this happening again”
Instead, he would default to his “all or nothing” thinking:
“This marriage is over! It’s completely useless! I’m out!”
And because how we think in turn determines how we feel, Dave always felt hopeless when they’d argue, and not just about the actual argument or whatever it was that was going wrong. Worse, he felt hopeless about their entire relationship and the future of the marriage itself.
And because he felt so hopeless he would then start talking about packing his bags and leaving, about getting a divorce, and he would make various other “all or nothing” statements that left no room for himself and Jill to resolve arguments in a safe and constructive way.
When I suggested to Dave that it’s totally possible for a couple to have an argument without it having anything whatsoever to do with the future health and happiness of their marriage, he looked stunned… and a bit embarrassed 🙂
It made me realise that for Dave and Jill, relationship stability would remain impossible until Dave learned to change his “all or nothing” thinking and think in more moderate, sustainable ways.
Once Dave worked on shifting his thinking in times of relationship distress from an “all or nothing” premise to thinking that allowed him to acknowledge problems without seeing them as total, absolute, and indisputable evidence that his relationship was totally, absolutely, and indisputably doomed, his marriage changed in healthier and happier ways.
Knowing how to argue in a way that doesn’t threaten your underlying relationship stability is a really important skill: one that you both need if you want a relationship that doesn’t crumble whenever one of you gets mad or things get tough.
Successful couples know how to keep their relationship safe, in good times and in bad. One of the ways they do this is by facing their relationship challenges without “all or nothing” thinking.
Pamela Pannifex is a psychotherapist, marriage therapist, naturopath and founder of Sunshine Holistic Counselling on Queensland’s Sunshine Coast. For over 20 years she has been helping people create personal wellbeing and relationships that thrive. Contact Pamela here.
